1. Why did you decide to write the book?

The decision about whether to adopt is probably the biggest decision a person will ever make. In the pre-adoptive groups that I ran for many years, people would often say jokingly that if you married and it didn't work out, you could always divorce, if you bought the wrong house you could always sell it but if you adopted a child it was forever.

Since it is such a big decision, I felt people could use some guidance in terms of the issues surrounding adoption. I think this may be especially true for singles because ideally if you have a partner you both challenge and support each other through the decision-making process. Single people may have friends and family who fill this role but many people are looking for more information. Hopefully, Adopting On Your Own will give people a map to navigate the decision-making process.

2. What are some of the most important lessons prospective adoptive parents will learn after reading Adopting on Your Own?

Adopting On Your Own raises important issues to think about in the decision-making process. These include, resolving your feelings about parenting without a partner; if you hoped to have a child by birth, dealing with feelings arising from infertility; discussing adoption with your family and friends; creating a support network for you and your child; learning about the different types of adoption; determining whether you feel financially ready to adopt; and finally, learning more about the needs of adopted children in single parent homes. Through exercises and suggestions for gathering further information, this book helps readers to wrestle with these issues and hopefully resolve them. In addition, the book includes a chapter for those who decide not to adopt. Adoption is a wonderful option for those for whom it is right, but adoption is not the right choice for everyone. There is a myth (especially for women in our culture) that somehow you are not fulfilling your destiny if you don't parent. I feel Adopting On Your Own has served its purpose when someone looks at the issues and decides not to adopt just as much as when they look at them and decide to go forward and adopt.

3. What are some of the major hurdles single people must overcome before and during the adoption process?

I think there are three major things:

The Emotional Piece

Once people begin to think about adoption, they are often in a hurry to make it happen immediately. One of the first things I suggest is, slow down. An extra six months or even a year in your decision-making won't make that much difference. Yet it can make a big difference in terms of your emotional readiness and your ability to have a clearer overview of all your adoption options.

For many people, single adoptive parenting was not their first choice to becoming a parent. For many, this decision comes after a long period of hoping to have a more traditional family, so there is a loss that is involved. Like all losses, it is important and necessary to go through a mourning process if one is to arrive at a sense of resolution. It doesn't mean some of the feelings won't recycle throughout your life, but it does mean that you've worked on the issues and reached a sense of resolution which allows you to move forward in a positive way. If you short-circuit this process, it can affect your parenting. To the extent that we have dealt with our own losses, we are in a better position to help our children deal with their losses, which they will inevitably have.

The Logistical Piece

The next step is the nuts and bolts. When I adopted my son twenty-two years ago, there were few options for single people. Now there are many choices a person must decide among. I encourage anyone -- even if they have a pretty good idea of the type of adoption they are interested in -- to at least look at the different types of adoption. This includes both adoption through your child public welfare agency, domestic and international adoption through private agencies, and private (or identified) adoption, but also alternatives such as adopting siblings. I also encourage people to go to a decision-making workshop if they can and if there isn't one available to go on-line and network with singles who have adopted. Also, they can go to different adoption support groups and talk to parents. After you decide on the type of adoption, you need to go to agency orientation meetings and choose an agency that is single-friendly. Look at the "Questions For Agencies" in Adopting On Your Own and get acquainted with what to look out for.

Another major factor for nearly all single people is finances. Making an adoption decision comes down to taking a good look at your lifestyle. Some single people are accustomed to spending their money and time traveling and cherish the freedom they have to go where they want, when they want. Other single people often tell me they've enjoyed their freedom but they would happily trade it in for having a family. You don't want to be resenting the money and the time a child will require. In Adopting on Your Own there are many exercises that can help you look at your lifestyle, how you use your time, how you spend your money and what your aspirations and values are. These can help you to get a sense of whether adoption is right for you.

The Support Piece

When I adopted my son, I was pretty na•ve when it came to understanding how vital a good support network is. By the time I adopted my daughter more than a decade later I had a much better understanding of how to create and maintain a good support network. I think support is crucial and I think you need to begin to develop it early on. Think of it in a very broad way -- many people who can do a little rather than relying on only one or two friends or family members -- and realize that some of your best support will come from other parents .

4. Describe some of the special issues for children raised by single parents.

One of the ways adoptive parenting is different than parenting birth children is that you need to learn to be an advocate for your child and to help and support them as they deal with the myriad adoption related issues that will arise. For single parent families, there is also the issue of not having a mother/father and how that will be dealt with. While not having two-parents can be a loss, I also think that single parents and non-traditional adopters often bring strengths and resourcefulness to their role as parents because they have had to deal with their own issues surrounding identity and loss. This in turn helps them better understand and support their children.

5. What are some positive aspects of single parenting?

A two-parent family is great if it works. But sometimes it doesn't work and the stress and disruption for the child when it doesn't can be severe. For some children who come from backgrounds where they were abused or neglected, the focused nurturing of a single parent home can actually be the best placement for them.

Because single people often think through their parenting decision very carefully, when they do decide to adopt, they often make a concerted effort to provide role models of the opposite sex for their children to interact with. They also work hard to create a solid support network for their families. I've heard many single parents say that they feel they have more support than some of their married friends because they realized the necessity of it and began creating it early on.

6. Is there a cut off age for the prospective parent considering adoption?

Many single people are older when they adopt. They may have waited to see if they would have a child with a partner. If you adopt when you're older it's important -- even more than it normally is -- to have support and a plan for what will happen if you don't have a normal life span. Now with people living longer, the upper age for people adopting has increased. In the past, agencies stipulated that there be no more than 40 years between the age of the child and the parent. So once you were past 40, you could no longer adopt an infant. This is no longer the case. However, individual agencies and individual countries abroad will have their own regulations. I have known many single people who have adopted infants or toddlers in their early fifties.

7. What are some of the issues men face when adopting?

Nobody knows exactly how many men are adopting but I can say for sure that it is increasing. We are socialized to think that only women want to nurture children but this just isn't true. Many men want to have families and want to raise children and when it doesn't happen in the traditional way they look to other ways. In our society men have more hurdles to leap over and this again is because of our bias and our equating a man's interest in children with pedophilia. It means that men have to prove themselves more and have to do their homework to find a supportive agency.

8. What are some of the issues gay and lesbians face when adopting?

My book is about single parent adoption whether straight, gay or lesbian. Increasingly agencies and social workers are welcoming gay clients. However, in some areas choices are still limited and it may be hard to find a gay-friendly agency.

For a single gay man or lesbian there will always be the question of whether to come out in the home study and if you're single it's easier to omit or avoid the issue of sexual orientation. Some agencies follow a "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy with clients they think may be gay. However, if you are asked a direct question regarding your sexual orientation and you aren't truthful, this could later be grounds for overturning the adoption.

The best course for a gay man or lesbian who wants to adopt is to locate a gay-friendly agency and work with them. Adopting on Your Own has an extensive list of resources to help you locate a supportive agency.

9. Can people adopt if they are physically disabled or have a chronic illness? What about if there is a family history of mental illness?

In the book I talk about some special concerns people may have during the home study process. One of these is whether you can adopt if you have a history of illness - either mental or physical. There is no definitive answer to this, since each agency will differ. Having a history of either physical or mental illness doesn't necessarily preclude you from adopting. Generally speaking, an agency will want a letter from your doctor and possibly from your therapist in order to assess your ability to parent a child. In some cases they may wish to speak with them.